About a week and a half ago, I made this big bombastic post about starting my journey on the 100 Days of Coding Challenge. It was exciting, I was stoked to start, and for the first few days I felt pretty good about where I was at. Fast forward to Monday morning at 4 AM: I'm in North Carolina, sleeping next to the love of my life, and I have a seizure. It didn't come out of the blue though: I hadn't slept well for weeks, I'd kept putting thing after thing after thing on my plate, I wasn't eating well, and I'd had maybe one too many drinks at the wedding.
Fortunately, as scary as it can be, my epilepsy is a very minor problem in my life and is therefore predictable. A seizure happens when my body has been put through too much and says "ENOUGH ALREADY COLIN" and hits the "reset" button. This typically brings with it a slew of medical bills and self-reflection. No medical bills this time, but definitely a lot of self-reflection.
I have a lot of deep-seated stress and anxiety issues that I've carried around since childhood which have been amplified by some traumatic events in my 20s: I'm a people-pleaser, I'm afraid of abandonment, I'm hyper-perfectionistic (if that's even a word...fuck it I'll MAKE IT A WORD DAMMIT!), and conscientious to a
Basically, I feel like I as a person am not enough. I don't trust myself to be worthy of the space I occupy, the breath I take, or the time of the people I care about.
As I'm sure many of my close friends who may be reading this are yelling: THAT'S BS COLIN! I agree. And I'm ready to finally, FINALLY do something about it. I'm starting therapy on Friday and I couldn't be more excited to get inside the dark recesses of my brain and start working through shit.
For those of you interested in the coding challenge I'd started, I'm going to do my best to keep with it but those posts are going to be far more sporadic as I take care of things more important than code. I haven't forgotten you though and I hope you understand.